Do it to me one more time

2008-02-27T14:13:00.004-05:00

It IS possible...

Chemical. Naturally, at 44.
GAH

-------UPDATED--------
***Beta approx 11dpo 69***
***Beta approx 13dpo 21***

I don't know. I have never ever ever had a + before. Never ever on a non med cycle.
I am shocked this even happened. At my age????
I am crying because I am old. I am crying because they won't stick.

2007-07-13T09:41:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I am amazed at the reactions of people.

While I am very happy for those that have gone through IVF and gotten their + and are past those first few ultrasounds, I do have a bit of an issue with the "newbies" who have made it on their first try and are all of the sudden experts.

So many people have gone through so much more pain.. Ectopics, early misses etc. I am not down playing any pain that others have felt, but please stop with the know it all attitude and baby dust crap if you have only done this once and been successful

IF is probably the most painful thing I have had to go through. 14 years of it.. Ectopic twin and interuterine twin both lost, 2 early losses and yes finally a healthy baby. I am still mourning the loss of my 4 and of the ones I will never have.

Please don't say that the way you made it work is the way it needs to be. Don't you think that if there was a magical combination of things, then we would all be successful? What works for one may not work for the other. Just because it worked for you does NOT mean it will work for someone else or for you again for that matter.

Yes, it is possible to have an ectopic and an a sac in uterine
Yes, it is possible to lose a twin and still have a healthy P.

No, it's not always possible to tell if its twins by a first beta number.
No, normal rising betas so not mean it's not ectopic.

Please just stop.

2007-06-14T15:11:00.000-05:00

Well that explains a lot.

Lup*u$

Sunburn rash? Not able to hold.a.pregnancy?

Finally, more answers. Too bad it's too late.

2007-05-31T10:47:00.001-05:00

AF=Another Failure.
'nuff said.

2007-05-29T11:26:00.000-05:00

My baby is 2

Dear J,

Two years ago, I saw you for the first time and you stole my heart.
The last two years have been a wonderful, exciting time for us all. Watching you crawl, walk, look at the world with your innocent eyes, has filled a part of me I thought would always be empty. You bring such a smile to my heart.

I love you J. So very, very much.

Mommy

2007-05-14T12:27:00.000-05:00

FSH 5.1 e2 now a respectable 38. Doctor said try on your own a month or 2?
Ummm .....

2007-04-05T10:50:00.000-05:00

Hmmmmmm

So..
FSH 4.2
e2 60

Not sure what LH is.

I guess not bad for 43.. I think he e2 is high because I have PCOS?

2007-02-14T13:19:00.000-05:00

Well,
So many changes, so many things going on.
Finally adjusting with D's kids. They seem to be happy and adjusting... Straight A students to boot! Too bad EBFH can't appreciate all that is going on.

EBFH did have her baby in Jan. Yes, natural pregnancy at 42. I hate that she told M(step-daughter) that it is better to have girl babies as opposed to boys as you can dress them cuter. J loves her so much and imitates EVERYTHING she does, so M was able to say that J was MUCH "funner" to play with. Plus he confuses her name with mommy so he sometimes calls her that. She is loving it. Thank you Lord for that.

Going back to court again though. EB is just that unhappy with it all. We look forward to it this time. We have so much documentation on all the crap she is pulling on the kids.

J is doing great. I can't believe he is almost 21 months old. He is talking in sentences now.. too bad I can't understand all of it. It does look like he is going to be a bit over 6'2 feet if you do the double at 2 years old thingy. : )

So thanks to all the uncovered IV expenses, we are getting back over 10k in taxes. WOOOT!

D wants to try again, and for the last few months, he has been on fertil&ty blend, and I have been trying to stick with the SB diet. So, at this point we are trying for March for everything.

My Dr. only does day 5 transfers.. I have had anywhere from 9 to 22 eggs retrieved. I only ever end up with 3 to transfer.. I think that is kind of wonky to be honest. I am going to request that anything under 8 at day 3 gets transferred back. I know he will fight me, but I have to believe that if I do have 5 to 8 on day 3, then my best odds will be putting them all back. We shall see how that goes.

It is nice to read about some of the positives lately.. I wish there were more on the older ones : )

** Oh yea.. about the insurance thing. What a joke. Virginia does not mandate so no coverage is available. GAH **

2006-10-24T12:15:00.000-05:00

Errrrr

So, is it me or has anyone else tried this? I put in for quotes from supplemnental insurance companies and apparently I can get coverage for up to 70% PLUS meds by paying 149 a month??? For IVF. With no limits?

GAH

2006-10-21T16:04:00.000-05:00

Strike Three! You're OUT!

We are done. I am done. I am dying.

5 IVF's.
1 twin- ectopic/blighted
1-healthy baby boy
1-chemical
2 negatives.

Ya think it would get easier. It doesn't at all. I have so much respect for people that can go through this over and over and over. How do you keep your heart from breaking into millions of pieces?

I am so happy I have J. So very, very lucky. My body has destroyed the other 12 possibilities for a sibling. For a child for us, made of us. I am now 43. So what if I have "young" ovaries? What has that got to do with success? What does anything have to do with it? Why is this all such a damn cap shoot. Why does it cost so much damn money for something that's not guaranteed?

We will be paying for these last 3 tries for a long long time. Every check I write to the clinic is going to tear me apart.

I am so angry and upset. I am never ever ever going to be pregnant again. To feel a baby grow, to even have a chance to enjoy being pregnant. To have a brother or sister for J to play with.

Who decides who wins this lottery? Why is it so freaking unfair. Why, why why.

To all continuing on, I wish you all the very best and will keep up with all I can.

2006-10-18T12:25:00.000-05:00

QED

Looks like OHSS again. No.water.at.all.

This timeI was actually able to see all the fluid. Also my right ovary is so big, it took up the whole damn screen. Dr. loves my ovaries and did say I would not be going through menopause anytime soon. I would sell one of them on eb*y for a real live baby.

2006-10-17T07:01:00.000-05:00

Transfer Complete.

1 grade A Blast
1 grade B Blast
1 Morula.

Noy my best by any stretch of the imagination. I think I stimmed way to slow/low for this last cycle. This.is.it.

Dr. S said he was happy with his. I can only hope and pray. At least D has been taking care of everything and I am doing 2 days of bedrest. : )

OMG look at UtRus! http://utrus.blogspot.com/

2006-10-13T15:16:00.000-05:00

And the verdict is....UTI!

Dear G*d.

After a hot bath, heating pad, 2 pain pills and another sleepless night, I called Dr. S yet again at 10 AM this morning. I called his answering service last night because I was in agony after standing up for a 30 minute meeting. I have had 3 spinal fusion surgeies in the last 4 years.. last one when J was 6 months old, and not been reduced to the quivering bowl of jelly that I am now.

Ovaries look fine for me at this stage of the game, lining is great at 11.4. My bladder. She is HUGH. Captain, she is gonna blow!

I am on antibiotics that should help with the pain in 24 hours. It will be a looong 24 hours.

Faith, I can't take anymore bubble baths... and your ideas sounded so perfect! : )

Also, I know it's still early yet, but still have 8 of 8 going strong. Embryologist came out and said they looked great. I so hope they still look good by Monday!

2006-10-12T14:16:00.000-05:00

Deep Breath

I *heart* my doctor and my clinic. I am officially out of spaz mode.

Dr. S says quality is much better this time, my e2 isn't wacked out and that day 5 is the best way for us to go. He even thinks we may have 2 to 3 to transfer on Monday. He even scheduled the time. How cool is that.

Trying to deal with the pain is something else. Almost feels like my ectopic... Hurts to walk, to pee, to stand or lift. I am so going to take some pain med and a bath in a bit.

2006-10-12T09:31:00.000-05:00

I am So Freaking Sad.

16 retrieved. 11 mature 8.. only 8 fertilized. Statistically this so sucks for me. I would like a 3 day transfer and now I am being told most likely no. I am 43. What are the odds any of these will make it? I am in a lot of pain from this retrieval as well. I am so crushed. 22 last time..
15 fertilized. Why God?

2006-10-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

Oh My!

So is it just me or has anyone else felt the need to get nastee after a trigger shot? I don't ever remember feeling so so so umm hornee. It is actually kind of embarassing to walk around all day with a mental female woody..... Too bad we can't do anything about it now eh ?

2006-10-09T14:50:00.000-05:00

Trigger tonight!

I am so not ready for this....

e2 on Friday was actually only 702. Not sure what today's was yet. I do have 7 or so good size on the left still and measured 5 or 6 on the right. I think just doing 1 amp Repron*n slowed my butt down quite a bit. And here I was so tempted to just give myself a wee bit of Gon*al F the last few nights just to see if I could have more follies. I honestly think if I had known it was 700 and not 900, that I would have. No matter, tonight is trigger and we think I will have between 10 and 15 harvested. YaY! Now if I can actually make more then 3 blasts. I am tempted still to do a 3 day instead of waiting until Monday. I will transfer up to 8 or 10 if the good Dr. allows me to.
I think that the last time you do this treatment, changes how you think about it. There are so many more what if's or what should I do, and then the whole feeling of dread that goes along with it. I hope to G0d this works, but now being on the "Dark Side" of the odds, I can't help but feel apprehensive. This is number 5 for me. This is it for us.

I have felt less stress with this cycle so far. I think trying to cycle during a custody battle and all the driving etc., was not in my best interest. Neither was going camping the day of the last transfer. I did find out that I need to be in for retrieval at 8:15 on Wednesday. This is non-negotiable. Here's the problem:

Drive is approximately 2.5 hours during a GOOD rush hour. That is 67 miles 1 way. This is why I no longer work in NoVA. 66 is a nightmare with all the construction and without HOV, may as well back your lunch.

D's kids get on the bus at 7:15.

J goes to his "school" at 8:30.

This is going to be fun!

I will get up and drive myself at 6 AM as I will be driving alone and will not be able to use the HOV lane.

D will get all kids dressed and ready for their day, then get his two to the bus stop by 7:15. He then will have to get J to school and dropped by about 7:30 ( if we can get them to agree to this)

Then he will drive the hell drive to Reston(still no HOV) and hopefully be there by 10 AM to do his part.

Then we need to figure out how to get both damn cars back home before 3oo PM. Or how to get my car back the next day.

I hope I am sedated.

This is what I mean by cycles and feeling less about them. I don't think D has even been to the Dr with me the last 2 cycles at all. It's like it's not as important or something.. He does do all my shots though. : )

YAY again to M for the most beautiful little girl!! http://destinedtobeamom.blogspot.com/

2006-10-07T15:36:00.000-05:00

Umm yay?

Yesterdays scan/blood revealed 7 follicles on the left, 16+ on the right. E2 is 900 ish. It was only 5 days of stims. Knocked down to just 1 amp Men&pur for the rest of the weekend. Next scan on Monday, looks like retrieval Wed. Seems that I am stimming way too fast again. I am on 2000 mg of Met so I am unsure why I am going so fast.

I did do another round of Acupuncture this morning. I think in my head I am afraid I am going to end up with only 7 or 8 eggs. If that's the case, D and I have decided that everything left on day 3 goes back in. I can't go for a day 5 if we don't have at least 12. Scary ain't I?

Mellow day. It's rainy and a bit nippy. Baby J is napping ( hurray! ) and D's kids are with their Mom. D is getting another tat, and I am going to go take a nap!

2006-10-04T13:22:00.000-05:00

Errrr..

So it's day 3 of stims and I didn't even qualify for a bloodfest.

Questions of the day.

Why do they ask when you last period was when they are measuring your lining?

Is knocking down lupr*n to only 2.5 iu's going to stop ovulation? I am going to run out before the cycle ends next week and I just can't buy a 2 week kit for 140.00 bucks for 3 or 4 days. Dr. says ok to do because of my lack of weight, but it still makes me nervous. I had 22 retrieved last time.. Will it keep it all in control?

Not having anything measurable at day 3 is normal? I always have had a massive quantity at this point. I think he mumbled under 10 at one point.

I am only on 1 amp Menop#r and 1 amp G*nal. I am supposed to knock that down to half and amp on Friday. I know we are trying to stim slow so I don't go over and have E2 shoot through the roof like last cycle, but I NEED more then 10 follies by retrieval. My OLD AGE stats prove I only ever get 3 max at day 5 and that's having over 12 retrieved. I don't like hearing under 10. If that is the case, I will ask for a 3 day transfer.

I am so freaking out this cycle. Maybe it is because this is The End for us. It's a very hard thing to come to terms with. I think Julie may have said it best, but it still never makes the pain go away. http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2006/10/the_cure.html

On with the great news.. M has had her baby it seems! Still waiting to hear the stats on Maddy : ) http://destinedtobeamom.blogspot.com/

2006-09-15T12:13:00.000-05:00

He said what???

It's unbelievable but true, D actually apologized.

Now, does that make everything better? No. And that is what I told him. We also had a "nice" talk and then a not so nice talk. I did say that if I felt stressed or pushed, that I was leaving with J for a few days and he would have to respect that. Some stuff has been cleared up a both, and others not yet. The kids go back to mom this weekend, so maybe there will be time for an uninterrupted conversation. Am I happy? Not completely. I still have issues with things and with D, but they should resolve if he just steps up to the plate. GAH

Also need to start a cycle. Antral count is "I stopped counting at 15" on the right.. maybe 5 on the left. I am also on 2000 mg of metform*n. I have lost 5 more lbs. I tried to drink a milkshake the other day. I paid for that for 2 days... sigh....

SOoo going to but the meds and try again. Why do we do this over and over?

2006-09-06T15:12:00.000-05:00

Going off the Rails on a Crazy Train

That is how I feel mentally. I am so tired, depressed and out of whack. D and I are not getting along and I am ready to leave him. Seriously.

We all went to a picnic on Monday and he walked off to greet family we haven't seen in months. He took HIS kids and left me chasing baby J. I had no clue where he was going. When I got upset he said I needed mental help. Then said F- you. At a church.picnic. Then he said if I left, he would call the police that I was kidnapping J. I just walked away.

I took the 28 lb baby, all his gear and started walking to my parents house 3 miles away. No, we had did not have the stroller cause D said we didn't need one and he would watch J. Nice eh?

Now, since his kids have moved here, life has become hell on earth basically. D is so worried about the kids not being happy and wanting to move back. (You know where this is going eh?
So basically he is being their friend and NOT a parent. He is bending over backwards doing whatever he can to make them happy.

We are talking about a 10 yo and an 8 yo. They have minds and should be able to remember stuff. Soooo whenI mention about manners and not having feet on the chairs or jumping off the sofa or teaching J how to crash into people and pull them down, I expect some kind of response. No, I get D's "Oh they have only been here 2 weeks, can't expect them to change that fast blah blah blah.." Yet when I mention, that they come and have been coming every month PLUS 4 weeks PLUS holidays and spring break, that its NOT new to them and he needs to be stricter he gets pissed. At me.

He says I can discipline. Umm right. Like I say please stop, they ignore me, when Dad comes in and says something.. It's ' I'm sorry daddy" and its ok for say 10 minutes. Then it starts over. Maybe ya think daddy should try something a little more aggressive?? Like time out or in your room or no TV or Gamecube? Dear Lord, we can't have that can we.

I am getting so bitter.

Today was the oldest boys birthday. D and his kids went to call him. Nice I was included in that too.

Maybe I will be thanked for cooking dinner every night even though I work as well. Maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt too.

Nice when your DH calls his daughter every pet name he used to call you and you get called by your given name. Even better is when your DH starts calling you his daughters special name.

Nice when you are not included in "family" decisions.

Nice when you here "oops" we went to get balloon animal for baby J, but when we remembered about him and got back in line after we got something, they were all sold out.

I am not angry at the kids. I am not being mean nor ignoring them. It is not all their fault. It's D's.

I am beyond anger. I have stuff packed in the back of the van. I told him that I needed to be able to leave if I was pushed beyond my comfort zone and that I was taking J. That way it wouldn't bother "his" family time.

I can't tell you how much I have been hurt and am hurting by all this crap. I will NOT stay and take this anymore.

Then the Dr. office called and said we could do 1 more IVF at a discount etc., that they believe it could work... And D says he doesn't understand why we can't try??? OMG. Stop the train. Please let me off.

2006-09-01T06:51:00.000-05:00

The Universe Still Sucks.

My heart goes out to Nina, who got shot down before she got started. again. http://http://stellaandben.typepad.com/stellaandben/ , Meri-ann, more heartbreak then anyone should have after 11 ivf's, http://impatientpatient.wordpress.com/, Nilla, who can't seen to catch a break http://vanilladreams.typepad.com/vanilla_dreams/2006/08/the_end.html and Vanessa, devastation after a good scan. http://twistedovaries.com/

Why so much heartbreak?

What does finding out my first IVF was actually twins, 1 ectopic and second stopped developing in utero hurt even now?

2006-08-22T15:13:00.000-05:00

Finally...

After 3 years, countless court dates and 3 days for "The Final Battle", we won!!

Granted custody of G and M, AND could have had the eldest boy as well if we wanted. We wanted, but also know that forcing an almost 16 year old to move when he does not want to move would be bad.

So now we two of D's kids here with us getting ready to go to a Public School. talk about happy.. I don't think you could get the smiles off their faces. It is good to see them all happy and together.

It is very hard for me in a lot of ways. the EBFH is pissed she lost and is doing what she can to provoke us and try to get the kids back. It is very hard being s Step. Not knowing boundaries and lines and not stepping on toes... Being told to be the parent, yet have our word undermined because you just want your kids "happy".

I am not trying to sound like I am complaining. I am though. This is tough. This is hard. This is such a change to lifestyle and everything else. It is hard to express what I feel because I am afraid I will say the wrong thing. If you are a step, then you know what I am saying. If you have children and have a step in their lives, please try to put yourself in their shoes and see how difficult it can be.

All 3 kids get along great and for that I am so thankful. My husband is happier then I have seen him in years and I hope we can keep this going .

2006-08-11T15:31:00.000-05:00

It's officially Negative. (or Let's just stick a needle through your heart)

So even after having such a "great! You responded better then our donor's" speech, I still have nothing to show for it.

22 eggs at age 43.
19 mature
15 fertilized
3 blast?
What is up with that?? Why is it no matter what kind of cycle I have, I only have 3 to transfer?? (except 1st cycle, that was 2 blast , 2 morula's)

So, if I stim so well and respond so well on 1 freaking amp of Gon*l F for 7 days and 1 amp of Repr*nex daily for 9 days, what's the problem?
Would I do better on a higher dosage or a longer stim time?
Isn't 15 fertilized good?
Is a 3 day transfer better?
So are people who have a baby via IVF limited to 1 successful pregnancy?

Oh yeaaa.. that's right.. I have old age and old eggs and all that other crap. That's why other people my age have babies by s.e.x. GAH.

I am so tired of the same old answers time after time.
I am upset that my mom, MY MOTHER said, "It worked out this way for the best" WTF?
I am so angry still. I am so pissed.

Serenity said it so well today. http://big2journey.blogspot.com/

2006-08-07T12:05:00.000-05:00

The End

Lots of things happened.

Went to court. Have to go back again to see what is decided. Will know in 2 weeks.

Went on Vacation. Camping in a cabin. With AC. And a fridge, running water and a shower. That was the best way to camp with 2 kids and a baby!

Went through a cycle.
22 eggs
19 mature
15 fertilized
3 Grade A perfect blah blah blah blast transferred.

6dp*5dt = NEGATIVE

So this is the end. I am angry as well.

I am angry because:

I will never again feel what it is like to carry a child inside my body.
I will never be able to enjoy being pregnant and be excited about delivering
I will never see a baby being born from my body.
I will not breast feed my child and feel that bond and that intense sharp love.
Why is it some people can have babies the normal way?
Why can some people have them at all?
Why does health insurance suck so much most times.
I hate not having money to spend whenever.
I sometimes wish I could be a stay at home mom
I am feeling so old.
I hate life is so unfair in so many ways.

I do not want to hear "You have been blessed with one already" ANYMORE.
That is not what it is all about.
I always wanted a large family.
I am NOT.EVER saying I am not happy with the boy. He is my life and I love him more then I ever though I could love. The point is that I wanted a choice. I wanted to be able to have children if I chose, not pay to have one. I can't seem to say this the way I need too.
I will say that once you are an infertile, you will always be an infertile. Nothing takes that pain away. Ever.

2006-07-12T12:10:00.000-05:00

It's All Pretty Much Good.

We had 2 of the kids the last 10 days or so, so we have been busy!

Good Thing so Far:

J's ear infections are finally gone!! 3 months later! So looks like he will not need tubes.
Played hookie and went to the water park for a day. My parents watched baby J so we didn't have to rush back to get him from school.

Custody Eval came back, IN OUR FAVOR! Looks like we may get custody of the 2 little ones. D is very happy about that. It pretty much said how the EBFH needs some mental help. We also found out her BF was a cocaine user as of 9 months or so ago. Lovely.

My besttest husband found the money for us to cycle 1 more time. He says we owe it to ourselves to try again. I love that man. So.Much.

The EBFH and BF were actually nice and apologized for being late picking the kids up. It's a Christmas Miracle. ( Think the eval had something to do with the eh ? )

Court Date is July 31 for the custody decision.

Eug*ene Spe*nce is the best Acupuncturist in my area. 1 1/2 hours for 75.00 and I am so ready to snooze. Life is good and so is my Chi.

Not so good things:

I have an allergy to the freakin sun. I have boils/blisters on my face, shoulders and chest. I grew up in SoCa, so wtf is up with this?

EBFH is actually fighting this. I understand to a point, but when your kids are asking you to let them move to be with their Dad for a bit, why not let them? Why is she also trying to defend herself and not fight more for the kids? Hmmm maybe that should go under the good stuff...

Something is eating the bottom of my corn plants. GAH

Lupron gives me a headache.

So, a lot of stuff in such a short time. Have a b-day pahty for my niece on Saturday. She is 7 weeks behind J, so that will be fun. Then off to my newest passion.. Auction on Sunday.

2006-06-27T06:53:00.000-05:00

Annoyed

Okies, I am a bit calmer now. Nothing like AF to get you all back in synch again.

I do love my acupuncturist. He was actually able to tell by my pulse the my beta was positive before I did. Anyone who can do that is wonderful in my book. I will be seeing him hopefully today if I can get my stupid network up and running right.

I am still stressed.

I am upset with the EBFH because she got P to try and keep custody of 2 of the kids AND so she could stop work so we would have to pay her more child support. I feel so bad for this baby. Its for all the wrong reasons. I know she was PISSED that D and I had 1. She had her sisters email me about what a mistake that was and that D would leave me as well yada yada... Then she said I was a whore and a slut... But who is she to judge me?? Meet a man from the internet who does not own a car or a house ( he is 40 plus), have him move in after knowing him for 3 months with her and 3 children. Now get P ?? She had to be on clomid to get P with the others so I find it hard to believe this was a "oops" baby. Lord make it stop.

Went if to see Dr. S and my ovaries, they are quiet. I can do 1 more cycle if I so desire.
Should I just save the 12k and build a pool? Should I try one more time? I just do not know.

2006-06-21T15:18:00.000-05:00

I am so angry at the universe

So life is crap.

Beta is 1.2 kind of expected that but still doesn't make this shit any easier. Why the F did it fail? Why did 3 just not take? My age/ That is such an easy answer.

Why all the bad news in the blog world? Why do GOOD deserving people NOT GET TO HAVE BABIES?

Why is my husbands ex pregnant? Why the hell is that?? Almost 42 and with her own eggs? With a guy she met 8 months ago and not even married too? WHY WHY WHY. I bet its fucking twins too.

Go ahead and slap me when I am down.

I am going off all the stupid meds and waiting for a stupid period. I am not normally such a negative person but all this shit is just wrong.

I.Am.Pissed.
F- you Universe.

2006-06-20T14:54:00.000-05:00

Life goes on in spite of everything.

Tomorrow is second beta. I am hoping it will be at zero. I stopped the PIO shots last night. The nurse said to do them and I am like why? We already know this is not good. 6 is not a good number. At least I got them to admit they were just checking to be sure it wasn't ectopic. BAH.

I wanted to sit in my jacuzzi tub and relax last night. D said, "Are you sure you should? What if the number goes up to like 50 on Wednesday?" Why is it men just don't get it even after you explain it 4095 times? We both danced around the subject for a few hours and I finally passed out at 8:45. This morning he sent me an IM that says he wants to try again, but he understands how hard this is emotionally and physically on me. I love that man.

I will chat with the Dr. tomorrow and see what he suggest. I may be too old now so I am not getting my hopes up too high about this working again.

2006-06-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

Three for three with only 1..

Beta came back "inconclusive", like under 10 . Inconclusive. What kind of answer is that??? They KNOW that stuff, they KNOW what normal levels should be at this stage... Like over 100. Under 10 is not inconclusive. Under 10 and the pregnancy will FAIL. Explains the Not Pregnant test today. So I am supposed to feel better knowing that it sorta worked?

So to recap. (IVF's only...would take 6 years to write out all the damn IUI's and clomid cycles I did.)
IVF 1, June 2004 - "Positive"-- Beta 33@11dp5dt 330@14dp5dt, normal doubling time after. Ectopic. Ruptured July 12th...Had an emergency "appendectomy" and the on call OB took a look and found that it was the ectopic, not the appendix. They took both out.

IVF 2, August 2004 - "Positive"-- Beta 292@11dp5dt, 1050@14dp5dt. Great doubling times. Normal healthy baby boy

IVF 3, June 2006 - "Positive"-- Beta "inconclusive" at 13dp5dt. Second beta coming right up!

This sucks. I would go home but I will lose my freaking mind alone right now. Three IVF's with three different results. Crap crap crap crap crap.
How do so many people go through this so many times. I am so going to go throw up.

2006-06-19T12:01:00.000-05:00

GAH

So I took a test again yesterday afternoon and it said Pregnant. Went in for blood test at 1030, came back too work and took another test. Says Not Pregnant.
I think the beta will come back low and be dropping. I just cannot see how this could possibly work.

They are calling D with the results. I know I will lose it here at work.

2006-06-16T21:32:00.000-05:00

I am so confused.

So, being the good obedient wife, I totally ignored my dear spouse when he said, "STOP TESTING!"

Line on the FRED actually looked lighter yesterday then it did the day before. Of course I denied testing : ) He did ask me to test before the weekend as J's Baptism is tomorrow, party after at my parents and they have a pool. I was told no swimming the first few weeks before. So went to Wally World, bought my 3 pack of FRED's The FRED looked even lighter to me, but still shows up in less then 2 minutes. Pee'd on a digital test I had still sitting around and the damn thing came up pregnant. I am so confused by this. This same test was a negative yesterday. My hcg should be well above 100 at this stage of the game and that would have been a + on the damn test yesterday.

No symptoms, no sore large bresti, no sickness or hunger or tiredness. Also no pool this weekend. GAH

I still don't know. Monday is beta

2006-06-14T15:13:00.000-05:00

Umm. I say Chemical...

Well, went to lunch yesterday with D. Ate all the crap you are not supposed too and LOVED it. I did break down and cry a bit. D was wonderful and said we would try again if that is what we needed to do. What a wonderful man he is!

Came back to work and one of the stupid p-sticks was positive.. Not faint, but dark. This is about 2 hours later, so I couldn't stop laughing. D was excited and I told him not to be at this point. I showed him what the test looked like with J and he did that male grunt thing. I did take a test this AM again and it was negative within the 20 minutes I had to leave to drop boychild off. This started another round of tears and depression yet again. Went to see my acupuncturist, told him what happened and how I knew it really didn't work. He checked my pulses and said that he wouldn't give up hope if he was me.. I have a slippery pulse. So here I go the yo-yo.. feeling up again..

20 min ago I found the last FRED p stick I have and took it.. hahaha it came up faint positive for the first time on that brand. Within 2 minutes. Don't even have to squint.

Now I know me and I know what my test have all been like before so here is what I think is happening..

A) Ectopic again..First IVF, I had faint positives that never really got dark and only if I didn't pee for 4 hours.

B) Chemical... all these messed up test and it is 8dp5dt. The line should be there all the time now.

C) I am only partly pregnant in the afternoons.

I am not confident this is going to be a good pregnancy. I still feel nothing at all.

2006-06-13T11:40:00.000-05:00

As White As Snow

Last try today. 7dp5dt. FRED and EPT. Both as white as can be.

I guess we always hope and pray right up until that last possible moment.

I am just numb. I think it's because I just knew, but that wee part of me so wanted to be wrong. I know I need to break down and I feel on the edge of that right now. I won't though. I have to get through this weekend and J's baptism. Too many people and too much to finish planning/cooking. At least I can concentrate on that now.

Dear God, I can't believe how much this hurts. After all this time and all these years, somehow this one hurts the worst. My poor D, he is so confident and so sure that this worked. I am going to lunch with him soon and will try to be "positive" and upbeat.

I will leave this picture of my boy. His first birthday. We figured this is how smurf's evolved.

Good Luck to everyone still cycling. I pray for you all.

2006-06-12T12:32:00.000-05:00

Husbands and Pee sticks

So D looked at the CVS early response test and said, " Well, I see a line, it is reaaaaaaally faint". Poor baby, had to explain the whole evap line and why you do not read a stick 8 hours after you take it. He is staying so positive through this. His last comment before I gave him the spousal Death Stare was.. well if it comes up positive in a few days, that would mean we are having 1 instead of 2 or 3 right?

Gotta love them : )

I will go in for a Beta on Friday or Monday. Mt doctors will not let me stop medication until then, nor will they let me go in early for my Beta.

Still hoping for positives from the rest of the June cycles.

2006-06-11T07:27:00.000-05:00

Negative

I knew it would be. I know it is just 5dp5dt, had positives before on this day. Gut feelings and being pregnant before, I just knew this didn't work. Does it make it any easier? Hell no. I am crushed.

Someone once mentioned that it must be easier if you already have 1 child. It isn't. I just sat in the bathroom crying, just pissed and sad and a mess because normal people don't have to go though this. They get pregnant by having sex, not by injecting massive doses of hormones into their bodies, having swollen ovaries and OHSS, vaginal pills and shots in the ass. It's.so.not.fair.

Yes I have a son that I love more then life itself. I watch him as he walks around, chasing the cat with his little lawnmower and KNOW that I have been blessed and that I am one of the lucky ones. But for God's sake, after 20 years of infertility, ya think this could get easier?

This was it for us. We refinance the house for this last try. Like Jenny from the Infert block knows, having your own kids is different then having step kids. I love mine totally, but I just wanted one more. I guess that was way too much to ask.

2006-06-09T15:46:00.000-05:00

I am a Freak of Nature

Went in on Thursday for blood work and u/s. During the scan, I was told my right ovary VERY VERY LARGE and that they have never had anyone in my age group ever end up hyper stimmed after a transfer. Nice eh? So far I am a freak because of my "lovely young ovaries", had retrival after 8 days of stimms and I took only 1 amp of Repronex for 4 of those days.. low dose stimmer I am, hyperstimming after transfer.. Now if I could only be pregnant : )
So I am on the lovely V-8 and Propel diet. I do feel better today and it doesn't hurt to pee anymore.

Other then that, I know in my heart this has failed. I do not have any of the symptoms I when I had positive tests. No soreness, no large bresti, no cramping.. nothing. I am trying to not be too down about it. I do have J and really do count my blessings and am so thankful for him. I have been lucky in that aspect. I really wanted a sibling for J. I know he has his half siblings, but they are a little older and are not around all the time. I also want to have a pregnancy that I can remember and enjoy.. not stressing out every 5 minutes like we do when we first get that positive after all those years. I feel selfish for wanting this and angry for feeling this way.

I will POAS this weekend just to put my mind at rest. Then time to take care of myself again and get back into pre-ivf shape : )

Best of luck to everyone! We could use some happy news again!

2006-06-06T16:34:00.000-05:00

Nothing to freeze here...Move along....

Well, that was very anticlimactic. Called at 9 and they said to come in the Dr. wanted to talk to us. That scared me. D thought that meant we had too many. I felt they would say something at that point so we could decide what to do and that we didn't have but 1.

We ended up transferring three. 2 grade A expanded blast, and 1 B that was just hours behind. My chances are 20% this will work. That is why I so wanted 5 to transfer. I am trying to stay positive and I really am grateful that we are at the point we are, especially with my own eggs. I have read that the failure for embryos to go to the blast stage can and is most times due to sperm issues. That makes sense since we do suffer from MFI along with my issues. 3 is better then none

I am taking it easy, sleeping off the valium and will start testing on Saturday.( I told ya I was a PSW). My last positives came at 5dp5dt so who knows eh?

2006-06-05T15:04:00.000-05:00

10 Little Indians.

That is what we were told today. We have 10 still growing! I know that can change over night as this is a critical stage when they go from morula to blast. From what I have read from Dr. Google, 20-60% will make it to blast as long as the quality is ok. I am still hoping for 5. : )

I will not know until we get there or almost there, taking the valium should keep me all mellowed out for "the talk" with what to transfer from the Dr.

Lordy, I am a nervous wreck right now. Not stressed like the other IVF's, just excited/nervous.

To update about my sister, I wanted to donate but her doctor said between her menopause, fibroids and a cyst on her cervix, that her chances of carrying to full term (assuming she could get pregnant) was less then 25%. She does not want to take that kind of chance. I respect what she says, but I wish there was something I could do for her. She is not just my sister, she is my friend.

2006-06-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

Breathing out....

13 Retrieved
11 Mature
10 Fertilized

Life is so good so far. This is following the same pattern as my first IVF. The major difference is that my e2 is under 5000 this time. The first time it was over that and I think the quality of the eggs suffered. We ended up with 2 blast and 2 morula's that time. Unfortunately, that ended ectopic.

They say 50-75% make it to blast stage...We are hoping for 5 to transfer, and that may just happen.

WOOOOT!

2006-06-01T11:03:00.000-05:00

A Bakers Dozen..

After a sleepless night, we woke The Boy at 645 AM and left him with his Babcia. (Polish for Gradma) Made it to Dr. S by 740 and was in getting the nice sedation by 8. I was done and walking out the door by 9!

First report D got from the Dr. was 11 eggs retrieved. Some follicles were empty, and some just too small for him to try. Then the embryologist(sp?) came in and said he found 2 more so we are up to 13! I would have liked a few more, but I do know it really is quality of quantity. My son was the result of only 5 fertilized eggs out of 7 retrieved. I am actually pleased with the old ovaries for actually responding as well as they did.

Fert. report tomorrow, hopefully before we go to PA for he weekend, and if that is ok (4 or more fertilized) then we go for the Day 5 transfer next Tuesday.

Other then that, more sore then I remembered before, and my throat just hurts.

2006-05-31T15:10:00.000-05:00

Hello, my name is Jo and I am a Pee Stick Whore.

Yes, I just had to do it. POAS just to see 2 lines the day after an HCG shot. GAH.

D did the shot last night about an inch below my belly button. Talk about pain. He read the injection instructions halfway and missed the part that said "the lower abdomen". Never.do.that.again.

So we are all set for tomorrow at 8. We are going to stay at my parents house so we do not have to make the 2 plus hour drive in rush hour or get up at 4 AM. Grandma and Grandpa are just happy they get to watch The Boy for a while.

I have not told family about this, I don't want to get their hopes up or get snide comments from D's family. They think I am going to have a cyst removed and that's all they need to know. If this all works, we will wait until 9 weeks before we tell anyone. It's just safer this way.

2006-05-30T14:47:00.000-05:00

And there you have it..... Retrieval set for this Thursday at 8 AM. I trigger tonight at 9! This has gone so fast.

My e2 on Friday, after 4 days of stims, was 688. Err, that is even higher then my first IVF that ended ectopic. That also explains why they shifted me to just 1 amp Menopur a night with 5 units of Lupron. We counted the same three on my lazy assed left ovary, and once again, over 10 on my right. I told Dr. S to go for all of them this time if he could. I am still keeping my fingers crossed we get between 15- 20 total and at least 12 that are mature/fertilize. I will put back up to 6 with my past record.

Other then that, relaxed from the acupuncture, a wee sore with the ovaries, and melting in the 90+ degree heat : )

2006-05-26T12:48:00.000-05:00

Gonal-F doesn't know it is expired... So said Dr. S. when I mentioned that I was using pens that expired in March.

Left ovary is a lug. Only 3 or 4 measurable follicles. Right ovary is stepping up to the plate though, 15 measurable follicles is where he stopped counting. WoooOHOOOOO.. Please dear Lord, let me have at least 15 to 20 mature ones to work with next week. I would love to have at least 5 for the transfer. My Dr. goes to day 5 blast....I had 15 total retrieved first time, 10 mature and only 4 made it to day 5. With my age etc. and a failing left ovary, I need this to please work this time.

Down regged to 1 amp Gonal-F and 1 amp Menopur tonight until Monday. Then only 1 amp Menopur on Monday night. Next scan on Tuesday morning, then maybe trigger? We are scheduling retrieval for Thursday although it may happen on Friday. That would be a problem as we are leaving to go to PA that day.

So, onward we go, at least it will be a nice weekend for yardwork and such. Just me and D and wee baby J. Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday!

*** UPDATE***
Call from Dr S and now only Gonal-F tonight with Menopur, rest of the weekend I just do 1 amp of Menopur..They didn't leave my e2 numbers so I don't know what this all means...

2006-05-25T07:08:00.000-05:00

D's brother is stable for now. He does not want to see anyone at all though. We think it is because he does not know how to deal with what just happened to him.. How hard that must be, he is so into sports, owns a landscaping company, and loves to hunt. Now he has to have a change of lifestyle. He was one of the lucky ones, so we all thank God for that.

Starting day 4 of stims today. So far just a few twinges on the left side, which means the right ovary for me, and a minor hot flash or 2 at night. For some reason I thought I felt more during my last 2 cycles. I know retrieval isn't scheduled until next Thursday, June 1, and I have 5 or 6 more days of stims... I just don't feel like its working.. GAH. Tomorrow is the scan, and we will go from there.

June 2nd we head to PA to spend the weekend there with the kids.. Little M has a dance recital on Saturday night that we are going to see. It is our visitation weekend as well so we decided to just stay up there. The gas cost alone for round trip drive is 50 dollars. We do that twice a weekend... get a nice hotel (with a pool!) from Priceline and it worth staying there. Plus no making beds or cleaning all weekend for me : ) I have only had a mild case of OHSS, and my Dr. has me on low dosages, so I think it will be ok for us to go.

Until tomorrow : )

2006-05-24T09:07:00.000-05:00

What a busy, stressful week so far..

Cleared for stims, so started 150 gonal-f and 1 amp menopur (Thanks again for mailing me your extra M!!! ) a night. The Gonal-f was donated by my RE and expired March 31st 2006. Is this still ok to use? I would think DR S would NOT give it to me if it was bad.. still, makes you wonder. I did not have any blood test, just an U/S. Said my left ovary looks smaller because of all the suppression, but the right one should more then make up for it. Hmmmmm I so hope to get at least 15 to 20 great quality eggs. I know it only takes one, but I have had 4 at a time transferred before. I just want to be on the better side of these odds. I did forget how much the Menopur/Repronex BURNS. I felt a little activity after the acupuncture yesterday, so i am staying positive about the stims. First check is Friday..

Birthday went great! Had more people then responded, thank goodness my parents brought extra food! I will post a picture of J, he had a Nemo cake and with the blue icing, looked like a smurf.

D's 42 year old brother had a heart attack on Monday as well. He appears to be stable now and should be having his third surgery Thursday or Friday. Over 90% blocked in one artery, 80% in another. Fairfax Hospital is the best place for him as they have excellent cardiac care. D's family has hereditary heart problems. Scares the cr@p out of me thinking this could happen to D as well. He does go for a check up every year and is on medications already, but seeing this happen to his younger brother just changes the way you look at life…..

2006-05-18T10:05:00.000-05:00

Started L*pron on Friday. Had only 1 killer headache, so I am not sure if it is allergies or what. Other then that I feel ok. Stressing a bit and reading about all the bad cycles in blogland. My heart breaks for all those negatives. It is hard to be positive with all that and looking at statistics for my "Advanced Age". Sometimes I think I am wasting 12k for even trying this. D says to stop thinking...Scan tomorrow, then we see if we start stimms on Monday.. GAH
Tomorrow is D's birthday! We are also going to pick up the kids for the weekend. Yes, the EBFH is actually letting them come for a non visitation weekend!!

My baby boy turns 1 on Saturday. Having 14 adults and 12 children over for the afternoon! This will be so much fun : ) I start crying when I think of all we went through to get to this point. I love you so much baby boy. You make my heart smile.

2006-05-12T14:33:00.000-05:00

YEA!!! All clear and ready to go. No cysts, ovaries look quiet yet still polycystic. I think we counted over 20 antral follicles, so I am hoping for at least 10 good eggs. At my "old age" of 42, the more we have to choose from, the better.

So off we go. Start Lupr*n shots tonight, and next appointment in 1 week to see if we start stims! I have forgotten how nerve wracking this all is. D is so excited he gets to play Dr. and do all the injections for me again. He feels that he is more involved when he does this. With my needle phobia, it works out great this way!

2006-05-11T12:50:00.000-05:00

So it is Thursday and raining. I like gentle rains. This should be wonderful for the garden we planted and all the shrubbery D is putting out. The house is starting to look beautiful with all the stuff we have planted the last 3 years. It is quite a change from the Virginia Red Clay look we had when we finished building 3 years ago. My husband is very good with plants and loves to landscape. He does a wonderful job with it too!! I, on the other hand am into vegetable gardening. We have corn, tomatoes, all kinds of peppers, grapes, raspberries, squash and artichokes going right now. The kids helped me plant this past weekend and they really enjoy doing that.
We think court will be in July for custody. We are so hoping it goes in our favor. Little M was throwing up on Sunday when we told her we had to go. She did the same thing over Easter Break when we had to bring them back. She asked me to let her stay another day. Killed me to say no, we have to bring you back. What kind of life does she have that she doesn't want to go back? She says she doesn't want to hurt her mom's feelings but she wants to be here. I so hope the courts Will listen to the children. Isn't that what it is all supposed to be about? The children? I hate what EBFH and her IBT (Internet BoyToy)have done to these children.
Tomorrow is final check and then start Lup*n. WoooHOO I am so excited and so scared at the same time. I will be starting stims the day before J's first birthday! I can't believe my wee babe is a year old now. God does the time fly....I miss the babyness, yet watching him walk and seeing his little face light up when he sees us just makes my heart wan to burst. It is so true what they say about love with a child. I wish everyone could experience this.
This is the first and last try for another baby. I have been so lucky so far. Both IVF's technically worked for me. First was ectopic, but they both worked. I feel like I have met my quota in some ways and should just be happy with what I have. I hope the Lord blesses us again with a baby.
Hopefully tomorrow will be the start : )

2006-04-27T18:47:00.000-05:00

YAY!
The children were here for Easter Break and that went just fine. We also had the visit from the Custody Evaluator. That was interesting. She spent about 4 hours with the children, looking around our house, then finally talking to me. I feel it went very well. The sad part was the oldest boy (JE) talked to the CE even though he is not part of the custody change, and told her that he played on the computer all the time in PA because he could escape from reality that way. Damn, what the hell is going on up there?? How can she not give us custody of the 2 little ones if this is how the oldest is turning out???? The CE did mention to me that she was very upset at the way JE was being raised. God, Please let this work out in our favor for once....

We also have separate bedrooms for each of the children. Apparently G and M share a room. I don't think a 10 year old boy and an 8 year old girl should share a room. Maybe that will work out as well for us : ) Plus the 12 acres and the goats and chickens and turtles and snakes and cats and other assorted animals gives everyone room to grow. Please God.

On the home front.....BoyChild is giving us everything from his child care group!! Starting Monday, D was sick, then I was ill, then baby boy again. Tuesday we all stayed home and pretty much just slept the day away. Boychild still has runnybutt. ( Oh, yea, do NOT give babies juice only if they are sick. Juice causes the runs in large amounts. Even if that was the only thing he wanted..) he is drinking his formula again, and this morning he did not have majorly large amounts of poo everywhere. I have cleaned his crib out completely every day since Monday night. Poor baby. It is pretty much impossible to control very runny diarrhea. I was going to duck tape around his legs on his diaper : >

I am going back to see good Dr. S today. I started AF again yesterday, and have to go in today because Monday will be too late in my cycle. OMG!!! Finally we get a schedule!! I am getting scared and nervous all over again. What if it fails? What if I really am just too old for this? I want a little sibling for the kids.. I feel so greedy after being blessed once before.

I am taking 1500 mg of Metformin and now 400 mcg's 3 times a day of folic acid, along with the normal vitamins and prenatal I am still taking. I am up to a minimum of 17 pills a day!! Why eat?

Special thanks to M at http://destinedtobeamom.blogspot.com/ for donating some of her meds. Hopefully I will be just as lucky as her!

2006-04-11T07:20:00.000-05:00

An answer at last!

Rotavirus...
Read all about it ... http://kidshealth.org/parent/infections/bacterial_viral/rotavirus.html
J is finally holding down a mix of white grape juice and pedia*lyte. Lordy I need him to feel better. Poor baby hasn't had solid food in 1 week today.

We also get D's kids starting tomorrow until Monday night. I need to disinfect, clean and steam clean as much as I can today and tomorrow morning. While taking care of a sick 10 month old.

I wish I could drink.

2006-04-08T07:46:00.000-05:00

What a busy week.
Went to see Dr. S on Monday, woohOOOO the cyst is gone. I can start a cycle when I am ready. Of course I need to get the financial aspects taken care of first. I am ready to get another loan ASAP. Just with the custody case coming up, money is very tight. So, I am on new BCP's, I can't recall the name, but they are great. No break through and no excessive crankiness. D could not come home and watch the baby while I went to see Dr. S. My mom was having a medical procedure done and I could not find anyone to watch J. I called to cancel and one of the nurses volunteered to watch him. How nice was that. There were no appointments for IF around that time, so it was wonderful. He was able to play with and meet all the people that made him possible. It was very cool.

I found child care for J! Early Learning Center. 150 a week full time. They only have 12 infants at a time, and the place is very nice. They also supply lunch and snacks unless I send babyfood. J is eating more table food, so this should work out fine. I only work part time, but they do not, nor anyone I have called, do part-time for infants. I will probably only have him in from 1130 to 430 most days, but it's good to know I have a place for home when I start cycling again.

Now the bad stuff.. J was and is sick. Poor baby has been vomiting and has had diarrhea since Wednesday morning. We had to take him to ER last night (pediatrician suggestion) because this viral infection has been going around and children are dehydrating. He had a bolus, then a regular drip for 2 hours. He seemed a lot better after that, wanting to play with his toys, crawl around and just be himself. This morning he is just laying on his daddy's chest just wanting to sleep. There is nothing as painful as watching your child and not being able to understand what he needs, or being able to take the pain away. I will have to write about his birth and the trip to UVA 16 hours after his birth and how sick he was at 6 weeks and ended up at Children's Hospital in Fairfax for 9 days. I get so scared when he gets sick.

Today D will be watching J while I go to first day of my day spa birthday gift from last year. Today is a facial and a full body massage. I do not want to go with the little one sick, but D said I need to get out for a bit. He will be cleaning the carpets and making sure J is taking fluids and napping.

2006-03-29T10:14:00.000-05:00

Well yesterday just sucked eggs.
Went for Mock transfer, that went fine, but the damn cyst is still there and still 3 inches big.
Nice.
So now we have to either wait for it to shrink, or if nothing in the next month or so, then aspirate. I am so depressed. I was supposed to get my schedule and get ready to start cycling. Now I wait until cycle day 3 for another u/s. Yippeee.
Dr. S. said I was lucky I had such young ovaries, yet in the next breath said, "Your age is against you". Make up my damn mind already.
Had the migraine from hell yesterday as well. My parents watched the boy when I went to the doctor, then watched him while I slept for an hour. I was ok for the 1.5 hour drive home on 66, then the nausea and vomiting and the throbbing again. Finally D understood I wasn't feeling great and made it home at 630. ..just in time to get J a bath, bottle and to bed. Then he wanted to know if I wanted to watch a movie. Note to myself.. Don't cry with a migraine. It makes it worse.
So today I am working from home and trying to clean the house for my stepkids visit this weekend. Why is it men are clueless when it comes to cleaning? I am pissed that I clean up after all of them. So tonight for a special surprise, I am putting all of D's stuff in a box up by his PC. Let him dig through and find what he needs. BAH. I am horrible today.

2006-03-15T18:55:00.000-05:00

Well yay!
FSH was at 6.7. All other bloodwork looks good according to Dr. S. It's up a little from 2 years ago, but not bad for a 42 year old!
Had the 2 exams. First one was the saline in the uterus test. All appeared fine. Just 2 little spots he wanted to check. Tuesday was the more painful test. I never had that one done before. They basically use a camera in your uterus to see what's going on. Then a biopsy. Ouch. That was pretty uncomfortable. No fibroids though so we are good to go!!
Mock transfer is set for couple weeks from now. Then one more test after that. D and I are going in for all the blood work, (Why do they have you do that if you had it done for the first ivf?) and then we start lupron! Looks like we are set to go in April.
It is different this time around. None of the nervousness and stress as before. I feel so much calmer. Maybe because I know all the medications and side effects? I feel kind of cocky that it will work on the first try. And I know in my heart of hearts that I am setting myself up for a world of hurt. We are paying for the whole damn thing out of pocket. No insurance for meds or the IVF.
Dr. S. is fairly confident as well. He just keeps stating my AGE. And my eggs are old. Then again, I did tell him I would be great for his stats : )
I am excited. I want to see what my husband and I create again......

2006-03-10T16:37:00.000-05:00

So far so good I think.
I had my blood test and scan for Day 3 (actually 4) test. I have a cyst the size of a baseball! Good lord. Scared me when I saw all that black space on the u/s. Dr.S seems ok with everything so far. He even asked me when I wanted to start scheduling for the retrieval. I asked if we should wait for my results for FSH etc., but he said he feels pretty confident with my "young" ovaries. The nurse even asked my how old I was again. Gotta love a place like that : )

So, Monday I have a hystogram (I think that's what it is) and a Tuesday a hysteroscopy, or the other way around, I can't remember. He did see a little area in my uterus he wants to look at. He said it was normal after a pregnancy, but......
I also had an ectopic, so I am not sure what he is looking for with the other test.
Then a mock transfer and one more sono. Hopefully by the end of this month or beginning of April, I will start on Lupron. I can't believe we will be going through this again. Baby J will be 1 year old in May and I hope to have another sibling for him to play with. The only thing that keeps getting thrown at me is my age. I will be 43 in July. I can't believe it nor do I want too. I just hope we get blessed with another.

Watching J play with his half brothers and sister this past weekend was great. Then he had his cousin over for Monday and Tuesday. WWed. my parents came and took him back to NOVA to babysit him while I worked all day. I spent the night there, he did NOT sleep very well at all, then went to Dr appointments on Thursday, then back home to Daddy. This poor baby is so wired now. I was not a good enough playmate for him, and he just will not nap at all. He did take 5 more steps towards me. That made me cry. His face was all lit up, and his mouth open as he laughed and walked towards me. They grow up too damn fast.

2006-02-28T17:02:00.000-05:00

Time is going so fast, yet so slow..

D gave a sample yesterday to make sure his semen is clean now. He had a bit of a white cell issue last time.

I still haven't had a period. No cramping anymore either. I do not want to go on Provera, but that may be the way to go. At least I will be able to move forward and get my CD3 test started. Dr. S still feels good about this, but won't commit until that part gets done. We are looking at cycling in May now. My baby boy will be a year old then.

I told my sister that if for some reason I do end up with a lot more eggs then before ( 15 first time, 7 second time) then I would love to donate to her. My antral count was 35 plus on my last US. Maybe I will be able to get that many for a cycle. I wish I knew 10 years ago what we would both be going through. We are very close and she has had too much pain as well. We both went through are IVF's about the same time. Unfortunately my baby sister is Pre-menopausal, her first 2 IVF's were cancelled due to poor reponding, then I started my first IVF, ended ectopic. Next month she used 3 DE's and ended up with a Chemical. We both were going through our IUI's two years before at about the same time and didn't know. I love that girl. I wish I could help her out in the worst way.

We get D's kids this weekend. I am going to have them help me organize and clean their rooms. The custody case has officially begun! The investigator will be here during Spring Break to monitor how the kids are and what kind environment we have for the children. I think that having separate bedrooms for G (10 year old boy) and M (8 year old girl) is going to work in our favor as well. They share a room at EEFH's house AND they only have 1 bath there. Also found out today that her live in boyfriend got fired. So, she has a lot on her plate and in a un-Catholic way, I feel GOOD about that.

2006-02-22T16:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess it's good news. I went to see Dr. S today for a checkup. I haven't had a period since Jan 14th, so we may need to start on Provera. I mentioned the pain I had on my left side, and how it felt like an ovarian cyst again. He decided to take a look, and lordy was there a big one on the left ovary. He decided to do blood work for P levels before moving on. Had a call back this afternoon and it appears that I.Actually.Ovulated. Me. Took 43 years to get to this point it seems. To bad there is no real S.E.X going on lately. O geez, who am I kidding. Like I could get pregnant that way.. GAH

So, now we wait until I do have a period. Then go in for the day 3 test. Dr. S feels like my ovaries are still young enough to give it a try. Just need to see what the test are like. If all is good, looks like I may cycle end of April into May. No more insurance coverage for IVF, so this will be out of pocket.. D just started his job this week, so it will take us at least that long to try and get a loan.
I just hope this works the first time...

On the EEFH front.. Custody prelim was today! Finally a break for the Home Team. She has to split the cost of the evaluator with us 50-50. WOOOT!! He lawyer said that she couldn't afford it. Umm she gets 1781 a month from us, makes 36k a year and does side artsy type work. And has a live in dude she met on the internet 4 months ago.. Then her lawyer claimed we owed CS. Our lawyer said that all that was not the issue, that it was about the welfare of the children and NOT any supposed financial issues. Judge agreed with us and said it was about the kids, and any financial issues were to be delt with in the appropriate court. YAH!!! Simple things eh ?

2006-02-10T15:14:00.000-05:00

TGIF. Long week in some ways. Looks like D has a job though! I am so excited about that. And it's only 2 blocks from where I work. I love small towns. May have to get PT day care for the baby though..

Went to RE on Tuesday. He thinks we are going to be good to go. SA came back at 12 million. Exact same numbers as last year so that is encouraging. We did ICSI on both tries and that worked.

I am back on Metformin again. 1000 mg a day. This is some of the worst medication I have ever been on. I hate the vomiting and other stomach problems this gives me. I was told to not lose much weight either. I am down 4 lbs already in less then a week. If you have ever been on this, you would know how hard this can be on your system. Anything for another baby though.

We don't have a schedule yet. I have to go in for FSH and blodwork on day 3. I just hope to have a period on my own in the next 2 weeks. I really would like to try before The Boy is a year old. I will be 43 in July.. ACK

2006-02-06T16:41:00.000-05:00

Another fast weekend. We had the kids from Friday till last night. We celebrated M's birthday at ChuckECheese's. Her birthday is later this month, but since we won't see her, we did it now. That place is out of control. I still have a headache. I did get to play skee ball with my Dad though.. That is always fun!!
MRSA is under control. Been going to PT and getting the wound cleaned every 3 days. Also the EEFH FINALLY is getting the kids treated. Stupid b$tch. Emailed our lawyer and said she wasn't bring the kids down until we had the problem controlled in our house. After J has had 3 outbreaks, infected his sister, me, my DH and his cousin. I hate that woman.
Anywho, tomorrow I go see RE again and figure where to go from here. I am still lactating a little bit. I quit BF'ding a month ago and am on meds to stop. I so hope I can start on the metformin and BC pills soon. I am ready to get started again. Nervous as hell, but ready.
The Boy is doing wonderful. He stands up and lets go of stuff for up to 10 seconds now.. his eyes get as big as saucers and he starts to squeal. I think he will be walking soon. He loves his sister and brothers, and its so sad to watch him crawling around looking for them. This boy sooo owns me...I hope we are blessed with another.

2006-01-30T09:40:00.000-05:00

YAY. Had a date with D yesterday. My parents watched The Boy from noon until 8. Saw King Kong(kinda bummed abut that one) window shopped, picked p D's suit, then dinner. Yum!

Have to work ful time this week, good for the finances. D has his 'view on wed. I hope to G*d he gets a job. One with decent bennies annyways.

We both were laid off in July last year. 2 weeks before my maternity leave was up. We worked for the same company, and drove 65 miles EACH WAY every day. In DC traffic. ICK.I was lucky enough to land a PT job within 8 miles of home, and the pay is better then what I had. I just don't have benefits. We have had to pay both our COBRA plans for the last 6 months. We have to make sure his kids are covered. EEFH won't help with shit. We are paying Child support and COBRA. It's just wrong.

The Ex is a beactch. I never knew someone who could be so vindictive and just plain ugly. She lies alot as well. She has not reported making 20k MORE then she told the lawyers and the DCSE. We are paying cs based on her making 10k, not 35k. Have to go to court again for that. 1800 a month is alot of money that we do not have. She also tells the kids that I am a mean bad person. I love my step children. They are the greatest. It's just heartbreaking when a 6 year old comes up to you and says.. "I love you, I just can't hug you or kiss you anymore because my other (real) mom says I can't." How F'ed up is it when you mess with a childs head that way? I am a GOOD stepmom. I feed them, play with them and damnit I love those kids. Ya think she would be happy they are well cared for. Asshat boitch. Doesn't even tell the kids we call. BAH.

MRSA is finally healing. Taking 6 vicodin a day to stop the damn pain. Hopefully will even be able to have a romantic encounter with D before we get the kids this weekend : )

I stopped breastfeeding 3 weeks ago. I keep putting on weight. GAH. i have ever ever weighed this much in my life. I see Dr. Infertlity next Tuesday to see where we from here. The meds to dry up milk supply make me sleepy as hell. Hopefully another couple pills and I will be done.(They only get taken twice a week). Last weeks appointment showed over 35 antral folliles (he stops counting after 20 on each ovary), so looks like metformin for me again. We also get SA results next week too. I can't believe I am going to try this IVF stuff again. At my age.

2006-01-28T21:46:00.000-05:00

Saturday night and The Boy is finally asleep again. He gets put in his crib at 8-830, and ALWAYS wakes up about an hour later. Most nights he wakes up at least twice. Morning is 730 -8 for him. I am so waiting for the whole night thing. My SIL has her 13 month old on a schedule and it works. Bed at 730 and he doesnt wake up till morning. BAH.

I have yet another case of MRSA. G*d I hate this. Between my thighs the last 2 times. The antibiotics are killing me. I think its coming from my step children. The oldest has had it 3 times to our knowledge, the youngest has had it once. Too bad the Evil Ex From Hell fucking refuses to get the kids ckecked. We only have visitation one weekend a month, starting at 4 on Fridays. Asked the EEFH if we could get them Thursday so we could bring hem to a dr. Of course she says no. I hate that woman.